September Song

I was laying in my bed listening to some white noise - rain, thunder, and the like - feeling nice and relaxed and I was also dicking around on Facebook, like a good college kid. I ran across a video my mom posted where my grandfather was playing tenor sax with hos old band The King Bees at a reunion in Mt. Airy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYGpTTtghTo
As I watched the video I was reminded of just how much I miss him. This video was made on October 1, 2005. Papa (as all I called him) was 2 years into his 3 year battle with cancer. I'm really awful about talking about any feelings that are really strong within me. How much I miss him, how sad I get when I think about the pain he went through, and how I will never get to see him again (I know a lot of people disagree with that, but given my own personal beliefs on death that's just how I see it). There are so many things I'd like to sit down and talk with him about: even just little things, but big things too. I almost feel like I've been in denial about him being gone the past 4 and a half years. I'm hoping to be able to talk about him more, and not just brush the subject off. It's a shame I'm so afraid of my emotions. I really do like to talk about him. So many things about him are such an inspiration to me and not a day goes by when something doesn't happen that makes me think of him.
I don't believe in any type of after life, but I still want to say I miss you Papa and I love you so much and I wish you hadn't had to leave us so soon.