I Should Not Be Allowed to Think Alone and Then Blog About it - Drunk

As the title of this blog alludes to I am rather tippers at the moment. When I am alone and drink I inevitably get sad. Although, lately with things that have been going on in my life I am sad when I don't drink or if i drink with people.
I have been feeling a sick split of guilt and heart ache. Vague? Yes. Whatever.
I also was thinking yesterday how great it would be if I could just pack up my life and move away somewhere, anywhere else. Just start fresh. I am tired of how I feel here, the clouds that hang here - I want to leave. I had never felt that way before. I'd heard other people talk about it and it just seemed so crazy. I am one of those people.
In this blog I complain a lot about being alone and single. Well, it's something that really bothers me. It makes me feel inadequate, unlovable. Maybe it's true, I could be destined to live out my what will probably be fairly short life alone. It will probably be for the best, nobody will have to deal with me during the dying process.
I guess I've always had this ideal vision of my life. Totally made up, a fantasy - it's seems like the greatest thing in the world to me though. Living in a small house with a man I love and who loves me. Children? Maybe. One or both of us work during the day just doing what we need to do. At night I play oboe and they play something in whatever symphony I'm in and we love it. And we do the same thing again the next day. Nothing special. Probably not going to happen. The reality of the situation folks is that I will live alone in a tiny apt (if I'm lucky) will work a dead end job that barely pays my bills and I probably won't get to play the oboe anymore. Eventually diabetes will kill me and they'll find out I died because I won't show up to work.
The progression of these paragraphs isn't making much sense, but I don't care. I can't stop thinking about one person. How dumb. Things don't work out. Not for me anyway. That's not real life. I don't think you ever get used to utter disappointment in life.
Good talk.