Too Legit to Quit!

So, I've been talking to B more these past few days. He's really nice, but I don't think he has any interest in me the way I do in him. Not that I've been dropping strong hints, but I was kind of hoping for something. It is silly for many reasons. A)He is way better looking than I am. Like, what am I even thinking? B) I barely know him. I shouldn't be expecting anything. Anyway, it's petty, but something real would have been nice for a change.

Wisdom teeth and boys

It's been a long time since I have posted anything, but instead of really covering everything that's happened I'll just talk about what's been going on recently.
Well, for starters, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. It wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people made it out to be. I was eating solid food by last night and I've had very little soreness. Plus taking the Vicodin has been pretty swell. :)
In other news, boy problems have arisen. There's this guy I've met before and last weekend I saw him for the first time in about 10 months and other than the occasional Facebook comment, we've not really spoken. Ever since I saw him last weekend he's talked to me everyday, just to chat. This would all be okay, but he has a boyfriend. Not only that, the boy friend and the boy that is talking to me are both super good looking. It's all frustrating. The guy (well call him B) yesterday chatted with me just to see how I was doing after getting my teeth out. I told him I was a little tired and he said he'd let me rest. I don't know him very well, but he seems like a super nice guy. I'm just confused by what he wants, since he has a boyfriend. Either way, I am just going to wait it out and see what happens. Peace out!

September Song

I was laying in my bed listening to some white noise - rain, thunder, and the like - feeling nice and relaxed and I was also dicking around on Facebook, like a good college kid. I ran across a video my mom posted where my grandfather was playing tenor sax with hos old band The King Bees at a reunion in Mt. Airy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYGpTTtghTo
As I watched the video I was reminded of just how much I miss him. This video was made on October 1, 2005. Papa (as all I called him) was 2 years into his 3 year battle with cancer. I'm really awful about talking about any feelings that are really strong within me. How much I miss him, how sad I get when I think about the pain he went through, and how I will never get to see him again (I know a lot of people disagree with that, but given my own personal beliefs on death that's just how I see it). There are so many things I'd like to sit down and talk with him about: even just little things, but big things too. I almost feel like I've been in denial about him being gone the past 4 and a half years. I'm hoping to be able to talk about him more, and not just brush the subject off. It's a shame I'm so afraid of my emotions. I really do like to talk about him. So many things about him are such an inspiration to me and not a day goes by when something doesn't happen that makes me think of him.
I don't believe in any type of after life, but I still want to say I miss you Papa and I love you so much and I wish you hadn't had to leave us so soon.

At Least You Don't Have the Stubbiest Toes in Your Family

I was thinking today about why it is that I like the movie "The Exorcist" so much. First off, just let me say that it is a very well made film with excellent acting and writing. But, it seems to go so far beyond that for me.
I've watched several documentaries and heard the director and the writer of the book talk about what it means. They all say it's about the mystery of faith. Well, while I may not be a cinematographic or literary critic, I disagree. For me it's really just about how life fucks you over no matter what. Think about it... an innocent 12 year old girl becomes possessed by the demon Pazuzu, or as it says "the Devil himself."
Now, perhaps one may think this Devil is punishing the mother for something she's done wrong in her life? Possibly. Even so, I think that's an example of life fucking you over. It's not the little girl's fault, she's screwed.
Anyway, the point is life sucks a lot of the time and whether you think it's God, Karma, or whatever else life is often full of shit and unfair.

I really like flossing.

I hate that I only post when I'm upset... but here it goes:

I'm really tired of feeling sad and being inadequate all the time. I try to have a positive outlook and just go out and do things that make me happy, but so often I just can't seem to make myself be a happy person. And as for the latter part, I just am an inadequate human being. End of story. I hate it.

The Roosters Lay Eggs in Kansas

Although I'm just starting this out, I'll go ahead and start with how I've been feeling lately. It sometime helps me to get it all out on paper (or in typed out, as it were). I've just been so down as of late. I'll be happy for a little while, or I'll pretend to be while I'm out and around people and then just about as soon as I get alone I burst into tears. I always feel stupid when I get this way because I think these ridiculously sad feelings are unwarranted. But at the same time, you feel what you feel no matter why you feel it... right? I just don't know.
I know a few reasons why I get so upset, even though I think they're pretty silly. For one I feel like I let take people take advantage of me. Don't get me wrong, I do not mind doing nice things for people, but sometimes it would be nice if I'd get something in return. Maybe that's selfish, and thinking that it might be makes me feel like I'm an awful person and creates all this self-loathing.
Another reason I get down is because I feel very lonely a lot. Not that I'm not around people fairly often, but I just don't always feel connected with them. I'd like to find someone I can tell my problems to and just have them listen and know that it's okay not to give me advice or tell me how to fix it. Along those same lines, I do live with my ex-boyfriend. That's not nearly as detrimental as it could be, but I get really quite angry when I just see him. And especially when I think about the fact that he hurt me, found somebody super quick and is happy. It somehow seems unfair and makes me bitter, like I should have been the one that gets to find someone after having my heart stomped all over.
But, I think probably the biggest thing that's bothering me is that I worry that I'm just wasting time in school playing the oboe. Am I going to be able to get a job anywhere!? I think all musicians have similar fears, but just in the past few weeks I've felt particularly inadequate and unsatisfied with the way I've been playing.
So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. Super sad and emotional. If you happen to see me and I look like I've been crying, I probably have - but it's okay.