I Don't Mean to Critique On Your Seduction Technique...

Lately I know I've been especially wompy (even more so than normal)! But I was thinking about it while I bobbed in the pool this afternoon and I feel like I've come a long way as a person over the past few years... even if it has been just involving small things about myself.
Obviously, coming out was a big one and not generally of much concern anymore. Another is how much more outgoing I've become. I still wouldn't consider myself an extrovert by any mean, but I am much less socially awkward than I used to be. The idea of meeting someone new, a party or even speaking in a class terrified me. These things come much easier to me now. Even making a phone call was a petrifying experience and while I still struggle with that, I can do what has to be done.
On thing in particular, though, that has really made me come to the conclusion that I am growing and becoming more comfortable with who I am is the fact that I really admit to how crazy my mind is sometimes. I used to bottle up all the crazy that I thought and felt in my head and my heart and would barely be able to keep it together. Now I let it all hang out, if you will - although... I still don't let all of the crazy out. Just a few thoughts for today, and trying to stay somewhat positive. :)

Grow a Pear.

Does anyone other than me ever have those days where if you died, it would just seem okay? Not because you feel fulfilled in any way, just because the idea of going through the mundane steps of life day to day just seems awful? Today has been one of those days. I hate myself when I feel this way. Which makes me more upset and not want to deal with anything.
On a not much cheerier subject: I know I am constantly bitching about being alone, wanting to "tuggle" and whatnot, but it is just on my mind constantly. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends very much, but it seems like there's something to a different kind of love that seems so different. Maybe that's just because it seems unobtainable to me, or almost like magic - something that doesn't really exist. It sounds completely dumb and cliché, but often times I wish that I would find some guy and maybe be casually "talking" with him, maybe even casually dating and have him text, call, e-mail - anything - saying something like "I can't stop thinking about you." It absolutely makes my heart melt. Maybe if I weren't so cynical about love and about it existence, I would be more apt to find it...

Too Legit to Quit!

So, I've been talking to B more these past few days. He's really nice, but I don't think he has any interest in me the way I do in him. Not that I've been dropping strong hints, but I was kind of hoping for something. It is silly for many reasons. A)He is way better looking than I am. Like, what am I even thinking? B) I barely know him. I shouldn't be expecting anything. Anyway, it's petty, but something real would have been nice for a change.

Wisdom teeth and boys

It's been a long time since I have posted anything, but instead of really covering everything that's happened I'll just talk about what's been going on recently.
Well, for starters, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. It wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people made it out to be. I was eating solid food by last night and I've had very little soreness. Plus taking the Vicodin has been pretty swell. :)
In other news, boy problems have arisen. There's this guy I've met before and last weekend I saw him for the first time in about 10 months and other than the occasional Facebook comment, we've not really spoken. Ever since I saw him last weekend he's talked to me everyday, just to chat. This would all be okay, but he has a boyfriend. Not only that, the boy friend and the boy that is talking to me are both super good looking. It's all frustrating. The guy (well call him B) yesterday chatted with me just to see how I was doing after getting my teeth out. I told him I was a little tired and he said he'd let me rest. I don't know him very well, but he seems like a super nice guy. I'm just confused by what he wants, since he has a boyfriend. Either way, I am just going to wait it out and see what happens. Peace out!

September Song

I was laying in my bed listening to some white noise - rain, thunder, and the like - feeling nice and relaxed and I was also dicking around on Facebook, like a good college kid. I ran across a video my mom posted where my grandfather was playing tenor sax with hos old band The King Bees at a reunion in Mt. Airy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYGpTTtghTo
As I watched the video I was reminded of just how much I miss him. This video was made on October 1, 2005. Papa (as all I called him) was 2 years into his 3 year battle with cancer. I'm really awful about talking about any feelings that are really strong within me. How much I miss him, how sad I get when I think about the pain he went through, and how I will never get to see him again (I know a lot of people disagree with that, but given my own personal beliefs on death that's just how I see it). There are so many things I'd like to sit down and talk with him about: even just little things, but big things too. I almost feel like I've been in denial about him being gone the past 4 and a half years. I'm hoping to be able to talk about him more, and not just brush the subject off. It's a shame I'm so afraid of my emotions. I really do like to talk about him. So many things about him are such an inspiration to me and not a day goes by when something doesn't happen that makes me think of him.
I don't believe in any type of after life, but I still want to say I miss you Papa and I love you so much and I wish you hadn't had to leave us so soon.

At Least You Don't Have the Stubbiest Toes in Your Family

I was thinking today about why it is that I like the movie "The Exorcist" so much. First off, just let me say that it is a very well made film with excellent acting and writing. But, it seems to go so far beyond that for me.
I've watched several documentaries and heard the director and the writer of the book talk about what it means. They all say it's about the mystery of faith. Well, while I may not be a cinematographic or literary critic, I disagree. For me it's really just about how life fucks you over no matter what. Think about it... an innocent 12 year old girl becomes possessed by the demon Pazuzu, or as it says "the Devil himself."
Now, perhaps one may think this Devil is punishing the mother for something she's done wrong in her life? Possibly. Even so, I think that's an example of life fucking you over. It's not the little girl's fault, she's screwed.
Anyway, the point is life sucks a lot of the time and whether you think it's God, Karma, or whatever else life is often full of shit and unfair.

I really like flossing.

I hate that I only post when I'm upset... but here it goes:

I'm really tired of feeling sad and being inadequate all the time. I try to have a positive outlook and just go out and do things that make me happy, but so often I just can't seem to make myself be a happy person. And as for the latter part, I just am an inadequate human being. End of story. I hate it.