I Should Not Be Allowed to Think Alone and Then Blog About it - Drunk

As the title of this blog alludes to I am rather tippers at the moment. When I am alone and drink I inevitably get sad. Although, lately with things that have been going on in my life I am sad when I don't drink or if i drink with people.
I have been feeling a sick split of guilt and heart ache. Vague? Yes. Whatever.
I also was thinking yesterday how great it would be if I could just pack up my life and move away somewhere, anywhere else. Just start fresh. I am tired of how I feel here, the clouds that hang here - I want to leave. I had never felt that way before. I'd heard other people talk about it and it just seemed so crazy. I am one of those people.
In this blog I complain a lot about being alone and single. Well, it's something that really bothers me. It makes me feel inadequate, unlovable. Maybe it's true, I could be destined to live out my what will probably be fairly short life alone. It will probably be for the best, nobody will have to deal with me during the dying process.
I guess I've always had this ideal vision of my life. Totally made up, a fantasy - it's seems like the greatest thing in the world to me though. Living in a small house with a man I love and who loves me. Children? Maybe. One or both of us work during the day just doing what we need to do. At night I play oboe and they play something in whatever symphony I'm in and we love it. And we do the same thing again the next day. Nothing special. Probably not going to happen. The reality of the situation folks is that I will live alone in a tiny apt (if I'm lucky) will work a dead end job that barely pays my bills and I probably won't get to play the oboe anymore. Eventually diabetes will kill me and they'll find out I died because I won't show up to work.
The progression of these paragraphs isn't making much sense, but I don't care. I can't stop thinking about one person. How dumb. Things don't work out. Not for me anyway. That's not real life. I don't think you ever get used to utter disappointment in life.
Good talk.

The Diabeetus!

Tonight I feel like my bitching is warranted. I've kind of felt like shit all day - like physically, not emotionally (as if that would be cause for news) because my blood sugar's been out of whack for a few days now. Today has been the worst it's been in a long time. I woke up around 5 am with it at 43, pretty low for those of you that are familiar with these numbers. I got up and had a literal shot glass of apple juice. It was back to 87, so I went back to sleep. I woke up around noon (I know I'm lazy) with it at 458!! WHUT!? I don't even know how that shit happened. So, all day it's been fluctuating like this which leaves me moody (go figure), miserable and tired. It just really suck to have to deal with it all the time. It never goes away and always has to be kept in check. It makes me feel so out of place and abnormal to have to deal with these things. I've never seen another person since going to college that has Type 1 Diabetes, which is strange to me. It also makes me feel even more isolated. Really, I just hate the fucking disease and can't wait for there to be a cure.

Teeth

I should probably preface this entry with a foreword: I love my friends very much and they mean the world to me and I love them and they love me too, but I am about to bitch about people and if I am making it sound as if nobody likes me I don't mean to. Okay - that's out of the way.
I had a thought today, one I have kind of often but just dismiss as me being silly. But the more I thought about it it seemed true. Time for the back story before the thought!! I had been hanging out a lot over at a certain house on Market St (haha) with my friend K and we always had a pretty good time and the people there seemed to like us too. K "talked" with one of the people there and everything kinda went south - I mean shit happens. Since it happened I've not been over there at all and no one that hangs out there has talked to me. Some of them still talk to K quite a bit... which brings me to the thought. They didn't really like me, they liked her and since we are besties I just came with her. Essentially, they put up with me. I am probably just being overly emotional, but I thought I had started to make new friends - no easy task for me. They didn't really care about me though. I shouldn't be upset - they shouldn't be worth my time. It's a self-esteem crusher, though.
I guess this is always a fear of mine when I make a new friend or friends. I worry they don't really like me. This time it was true... ugh. Such is life.

I Don't Mean to Critique On Your Seduction Technique...

Lately I know I've been especially wompy (even more so than normal)! But I was thinking about it while I bobbed in the pool this afternoon and I feel like I've come a long way as a person over the past few years... even if it has been just involving small things about myself.
Obviously, coming out was a big one and not generally of much concern anymore. Another is how much more outgoing I've become. I still wouldn't consider myself an extrovert by any mean, but I am much less socially awkward than I used to be. The idea of meeting someone new, a party or even speaking in a class terrified me. These things come much easier to me now. Even making a phone call was a petrifying experience and while I still struggle with that, I can do what has to be done.
On thing in particular, though, that has really made me come to the conclusion that I am growing and becoming more comfortable with who I am is the fact that I really admit to how crazy my mind is sometimes. I used to bottle up all the crazy that I thought and felt in my head and my heart and would barely be able to keep it together. Now I let it all hang out, if you will - although... I still don't let all of the crazy out. Just a few thoughts for today, and trying to stay somewhat positive. :)

Grow a Pear.

Does anyone other than me ever have those days where if you died, it would just seem okay? Not because you feel fulfilled in any way, just because the idea of going through the mundane steps of life day to day just seems awful? Today has been one of those days. I hate myself when I feel this way. Which makes me more upset and not want to deal with anything.
On a not much cheerier subject: I know I am constantly bitching about being alone, wanting to "tuggle" and whatnot, but it is just on my mind constantly. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends very much, but it seems like there's something to a different kind of love that seems so different. Maybe that's just because it seems unobtainable to me, or almost like magic - something that doesn't really exist. It sounds completely dumb and cliché, but often times I wish that I would find some guy and maybe be casually "talking" with him, maybe even casually dating and have him text, call, e-mail - anything - saying something like "I can't stop thinking about you." It absolutely makes my heart melt. Maybe if I weren't so cynical about love and about it existence, I would be more apt to find it...

Too Legit to Quit!

So, I've been talking to B more these past few days. He's really nice, but I don't think he has any interest in me the way I do in him. Not that I've been dropping strong hints, but I was kind of hoping for something. It is silly for many reasons. A)He is way better looking than I am. Like, what am I even thinking? B) I barely know him. I shouldn't be expecting anything. Anyway, it's petty, but something real would have been nice for a change.

Wisdom teeth and boys

It's been a long time since I have posted anything, but instead of really covering everything that's happened I'll just talk about what's been going on recently.
Well, for starters, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. It wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people made it out to be. I was eating solid food by last night and I've had very little soreness. Plus taking the Vicodin has been pretty swell. :)
In other news, boy problems have arisen. There's this guy I've met before and last weekend I saw him for the first time in about 10 months and other than the occasional Facebook comment, we've not really spoken. Ever since I saw him last weekend he's talked to me everyday, just to chat. This would all be okay, but he has a boyfriend. Not only that, the boy friend and the boy that is talking to me are both super good looking. It's all frustrating. The guy (well call him B) yesterday chatted with me just to see how I was doing after getting my teeth out. I told him I was a little tired and he said he'd let me rest. I don't know him very well, but he seems like a super nice guy. I'm just confused by what he wants, since he has a boyfriend. Either way, I am just going to wait it out and see what happens. Peace out!